"It always seems impossible until it's done."-Nelson Mandela
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Sovereignty — I talk about it. It’s the crux of my own personal path. It’s what we seek in a partner, often not even knowing it.
“He’s his own man.”
“She’s her own woman.”
“You really know how to love.”
It’s that sense of being with someone solid, grounded, and consistent. We know where we stand. We can relax and trust.
A sovereign partner directs their life and relationship in integrity with their authentic desires, needs, and identity.
When we’re not with a sovereign partner, we feel it in mixed messages and childlike dependencies.
I don’t feel like you love me. You don’t see me completely.
And if you’re not in your own sovereignty (attuned to your own wants and desires), you’ll get roped in. You’ll automatically believe that you’re to blame for not loving or seeing your partner.
It may be true not. How do you know?
Ask yourself…
Does she/he see herself/himself? Or does she/he expect me to see all of her/him?
Does he/she communicate clearly his/her wants and needs? Or does he/she expect me to read his/her mind?
If the answer is — no, she/he doesn’t see herself/himself or no, he/she doesn’t communicate clearly — then you’re clearly in a relationship with a non-sovereign partner.
And often it feels like being with someone who is at war with themselves. But… they project that war onto you.
We feel blame, not enough. We feel the sense of a divided self in them. We’re in the room with this frequency of something’s wrong.
Hell yeah, something’s wrong. Your partner’s not being responsible for his/herself. And so ask yourself…
Does it leak onto you? Does it destabilize your relationship? Are you in a love that makes you feel small and drained?
If any of these questions are true, are you compassionate and clear in communicating it?
I feel disconnected from you when you blame me for… I lose you when you act aggressively towards me. I can’t see you when you don’t see yourself.
Conscious or not, we’re in a relational battle. Typically, we fight or we get distant. I call it “the unlived life of the couple.”
We’re not trusting ourselves. Nor are we trusting our partner. Our fight and flight mechanism is activated. We feel stressed, tense, and unhappy. It causes a lot of unnecessary suffering.
Sovereignty is the answer. Come back to yourself. What’s happening between you and you. Learn to communicate with yourself. Know what’s happening inside of you. Sovereignty enables you to communicate clearly with your partner.
And yet sovereignty is not a word we hear often in our culture. That’s not surprising as we don’t live in a sovereign culture. Instead, we hear…
Play by the rules and get rewarded. Settle down and get married. Buy a house and save for retirement.
It is painful when our sovereignty is not honored. But as we cultivate it, we unwire from a culture that confines us with its orders. Our personal directives emanate from our own inner-authority.
We learn to trust the generative voice within that says…
Know what you need Know who you are. Be in a healthy self-relationship.
We live empowered with the truth that we alone are responsible for the shape of our lives. And while some of us come into the world with more resources than others, we all get to decide what to do with what we have.
In a phrase, sovereignty is the becoming of one’s authentic and powerful self.
Sovereignty is what to look for in a partner, or cultivate in your existing relationship.
A sovereign partner has worked deeply with their wounded parts and shadows, and from there, discovers their authentic needs and identity.
She/he understands when her /his adult is running her /his versus her /his child. He/she doesn’t base his/her identity off the perceptions of others. She/he cultivates knowledge of who she/he is, aligned with her/his gifts and desires.
Discovering one’s authentic needs, desires, and identity requires 360-degree vision, the seeing of the larger landscape of one’s life, instead of a narrow path hemmed in by fear and control.
To get there, we have to sort through a lot of distractions — news, social media, misguided advice — and old internal patterns. In this process, we may cultivate the key qualities of the sovereign. Check them out below
Key Qualities Of Sovereignty
Directs her life in integrity with her identity, needs, and life priorities.
Has faith and trust in her gifts.
Is resilient with conflict, fear, and the unknown.
Has a strong inner authority.
Has a regular practice of self-care.
Does not betray himself or wear masks for the sake of others.
Has a profound engagement with his life force.
Lives in connection with a cause, community, or spiritual path bigger than himself.
Enters the relationship with a sovereign partner.
For a quick sovereign exercise, check out below.
SOVEREIGN EXERCISE
Reflect for a moment. What do those words mean to you — “in integrity,” “authentic,” “desires,” “needs,” “identity?” Breathe into each one and feel the feeling that comes up.
Now once you feel like you have a gut-sense of sovereignty, on a scale of 1 (low) to 5 (high), rate yourself, your own sovereignty. Take a breath. Feel it. The invitation is to focus on you.
After you did it, consider — how has it made you feel?
Regardless of how you rated yourself, pat yourself on the back. A self-examination is a sovereign act.
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